We Are Breads


We are breads. Every day we made energy for most people.
Some people eat we with jam or butter.
We have many kinds. It is the great sound.

Because you have means for eat we.
Someday in holiday some one took we
in the Basket and go to a garden for relax them call “picnic”

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The Most Difficult Part of Writing Fiction

What is the hardest part? Heck if I know. But fortunately, there’s a poll on just this subject over at Goodreads. And the voters say:

  1. Battling writer’s block, 25%
  2. Establishing a plot, 22.2%
  3. Being original, 22.2%
  4. Maintaining continuity, 11.1%
  5. Character development, 11.1%
  6. Finding time to write, 8.3%
  7. Realistic dialogue, 0%


1) Battling writer’s block

So sorry. I cannot prepare your bacon and eggs today. I have cook’s block.

Your oil change and tune-up will simply have to wait. I have mechanic’s block.

I’d love to dust your furniture today, but unfortunately I have housekeeper’s block.

Sorry, I can’t unblock your drains today because I have plumber’s block.

Not convinced? Let’s ask Sir Terry Pratchett, shall we?

There’s no such thing as writer’s block. That was invented by people in California who couldn’t write.

I’m not going to argue with that.

If you’re having trouble writing part of your story, it’s not because you’re in some magical mystical voodoo state of blockage. Otherwise you’d just down some Writer’s Ex-lax and get back to work. No, if you’re having trouble writing part of your story, there’s a problem in your story, probably to do with credibility or character motivation.

Quit waiting on the Muse, be a workman, and fix the thing. Then your Muse, if you believe in such things, will return.

Voter Kate makes a good point, though.

I find it really hard to beat my writers block. Usually I have to be in a certain mood to write well or else the words end up sloppy and uncertain.

This is why I rarely write to a schedule.

Mood. Not Muse. Mood. Different things. Oh, and you can learn how to change your mood. You should.

2) Establishing a plot, 22.2%

I voted for that one.

For most of my writing career, I spent weeks and months on character, conflict, and the opening scene. Once those were just right, the rest of the novel flowed out of me at a seemingly breakneck pace.

Later, I tried to outline, found it didn’t work for me, and discovered the “document shell” middle path that I’ve documented elsewhere.

Be it plot or theme or whatever, we’ve all got our strengths and weaknesses as authors. Stuff we enjoy doing, stuff we blow off because we’re not so good at it, stuff we’d rather blow off but really can’t because our readers demand it.

Afraid you’ve got to have some sort of plot, so just shut up and do it.

3) Being original, 22.2%

Voter Peter, talk to me.

Originality is the toughest thing for any writer. There are only so many crimes. They’ve all been committed before. Only so many ways to kill someone and so many reasons to do it. You’re greedy, you’re jealous, you’re looney-tunes…whatever the reason, someone has had it before.

There are no new ideas. Instead, there’s your unique spin on old ideas. You’ll spend decades finding your own voice, you’ll build a body of work that makes you proud, and you’ll forget that originality ever worried you. Then someone will ask you how to be original and you won’t even understand the question.

4) Maintaining continuity, 11.1%

Plot revisited, isn’t it? I’m guessing this comes from dabbling in your book as a hobby instead of living the thing. In which case you may need to ask yourself why you’re writing something that you’re not able to live. If you want your readers to live in the world you’ve created, you have to go live in it first. Who knows? It might be unlivable. Find out. You owe that to your readers, and to posterity.

Posterity? Yes, dammit, posterity. Don’t take writing lightly.

5) Character development, 11.1%

I’m not opposed to reading a plot-driven novel, or better yet seeing it as a movie. But I don’t write them.

For a story to happen, it has to happen to someone. If it’s a juicy enough story, it changes who it happens to. And there you go. Character development. Simple.

For me as an author, everything unfolds organically from character. Character is where I always begin. Character is one of my strengths as an author. For 1/9 of the folks responding to this survey, it ain’t. Such is life.

6) Finding time to write, 8.3%

It is not a crime to abandon your writing because you can’t find the time. That just shows that you care more about other things than you do about writing. And if that’s the case, spare yourself. Spare your would-be readers. Don’t write. No guilt trip required.

Let’s ask Stephen King about this one, shall we?

Anyone can write, but that doesn’t mean they should.

Thanks, Stephen.

By the way, “finding time to write” was a write-in candidate.

7) Realistic dialogue, 0%

Obviously, H.P. Lovecraft did not take this survey.

As an author, realistic dialogue is one of my strengths, and probably for the same reason that I can’t write description worth a damn.

But as an editor, even as a reading junkie, I have to say that many authors don’t always write realistic dialogue.

0%? Really?

Does that mean that the authors who do struggle with dialogue simply don’t consider it the most difficult of their struggles? I’ll accept that.

Does that mean they aren’t aware of the problem? I can accept that because, honestly, who am I to judge just how realistic the dialogue of everybody other author in the world is? Y’all probably don’t all talk like me.

Does that mean they just don’t give a damn? That would piss me off.

Want to vote? Do it here.

What’s the hardest thing about catching an editor’s eye?
Getting someone to throw it to you.

Shut up, Michael. Just shut up.

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Helping New Authors

{I saw this discussion on a LinkedIn group. Teaching new authors everything they need in a single message is a daunting challenge, but here’s what I wrote.}

Self-editing is not a quick one and done job. Put the book away, wait until you can’t remember what you wrote, read it again, find mistakes, put it away again, forget it again, read it again, find mistakes again, repeat as needed. Never say, “Ah, it’s good enough, someone else can fix it.” Nope! You can. You will. Or you will fail.

Find beta readers, a writers group of some sort, a wife as gifted as mine, something. The Internet surely helps. You don’t have to agree with everything your readers tell you, but you do have to listen and think about everything.

I’ve edited over 300 published novels, so I know that hiring an editor can work. I also know that you’ll probably pay that editor more than you’ll earn in royalties. If you do hire an editor, that editor should be a teacher who shows you how to self-edit without him. You don’t drop your book off at Jiffy Lube for a tune-up and an oil change. You collaborate, you bounce the manuscript back and forth, you consider every tweak that editor suggests and you decide “yes” or “no” to each one individually. Your editor is not a bully, and your editor does not change your voice. Your editor points out anything that makes your voice harder for the reader to hear.

To seek publisher or agent, start with what you enjoy reading. You love reading, don’t you? You’d better. So start there. What books have you read that appeal to the same readers that your writing appeals to? You are not looking for who you write like, because only you write like you. You’re looking for common readerships. Once you identify those books, find out who published them. If the author thanks an editor or agent, note that too. Look those people up. Those are who you approach with your own project.

And finally, if you have finished writing a novel, congratulate yourself. Most people will never do what you’ve already done. You rock.

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That’s How The Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year.”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No.”
“Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
“Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion. She kept staring at a drunken man at a nearby table, sitting alone, swigging his drink.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes. He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God! Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
“Dust.”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of five years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And that’s how the fight started.

=====

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s how the fight started.

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I Very Love My Valentine Very Much

Very is an adverb, yet it cannot modify a verb. Why the hell not? Let’s look at some Chinese, shall we?

Wo ai ni.
I love you.
Wo hen ai ni.
I very love you.

That makes perfect sense to me. I love many things, such as bicycling, nature, literature, humor, food, or good music. But I very love Jan. Some cats run, but Miss Picasso very runs. Sometimes she purrs and sometimes she very purrs.

I greatly love Jan, I deeply love Jan, I sincerely love Jan, I quite love Jan, I passionately love Jan, and I wholeheartedly love Jan. Why can’t I very love Jan if I want to?

This is just one question you’ll face if you teach your language to someone with a different native language. And in this case, I have no good answer. “We just don’t.” How lame.

This is getting very silly. I very should very stop now before you very stop reading.

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Ten Lessons That Star Trek Can Teach You About Writing


1) Readers Matter
In the first STAR TREK film, Gene Roddenberry finally had the budget to create all the footage he wanted of ENTERPRISE just sitting there, looking real purty, and by gum he was gonna use it all. I personally don’t mind watching all those minutes, 22 or 187 or whatever it was, but most folks think that’s too much. If most of your readers say something needs to be changed or added or deleted, listen to them.

2) Characters Matter
When the second pilot was filmed, it was already pre-ordained that William Shatner was the star. Since Spock was the only character from the first pilot to also appear in the second pilot, it was safe to assume Leonard Nimoy was a costar. Who else? Well, McCoy and the chemistry just kinda happened.

When I write, character comes first, and plot etc. unfold from there. Even if you start from some other place, character always matters. In the end, nothing happens unless it happens to somebody, and that somebody is who your reader cares about regardless of species.

When you write, have some sort of plan, and have some control, but be flexible. If your story’s telling you to go in a certain direction, listen to it. That might be your characters talking to you. (And yes, I know you made them all up. Don’t bother me with details.)

3) Turn Weaknesses into Strengths
I can’t remember if I wrote about this in CONUNDRUM or ENIGMA, so be safe and read both. Why did ENTERPRISE have a transporter? Because it wasn’t in the TV show’s budget to film launch and landing sequences for shuttlecraft on various and sundry new planets every week. This forced the writers to invent the transporter, and that’s some seriously cool shit. STAR TREK wouldn’t be STAR TREK without it.

4) Fuck Grammar
Okay, not really. Speaking as your editor, please don’t fuck grammar. But you can break any rule you want if you have a good reason. Try to never break a rule from ignorance. But if you’ve got a reason, go for it. That’s how we as authors change the language.

Why did Shakespeare invent 10% of the words he used? Because if he’d invented 20% or 50% he’d have confused too many of his viewers.

Meanwhile, the “rule” about splitting infinitives is totally bogus. “To boldly go” is a perfectly good English phrase. In Latin, it isn’t possible to split an infinitive because “to go” (for example) is one word. You can’t write “to boldly go” in Latin because “to go” is only one word. Someone decided English grammar should follow Latin grammar — that sounds like some of Noah Webster’s shit — and was soundly shouted down for being too stupid to live. Feel free to boldly split infinitives like James Brown split tight pants. Then jump back and kiss yourself.

5) Wishful Thinking Is Allowed
In the STAR TREK future, everybody quotes long passages of Shakespeare from memory. If I say it like that, it might sound hard to believe, but in the context of the STAR TREK world, it fits. It’s allowed. Dammit, people should quote Shakespeare from memory, just like that cockatiel I taught when his humans were away. I never could teach him context, though.

6) It’s Not About The Money
Okay, sometimes it was about the money. But in roughly two years of the original show and roughly ten years of Next Generation, it wasn’t about the money. In some of the films, including some of the stinkers, it wasn’t about the money.

I’ve always said that you should write what you’d like to read, then find readers who share your interests. Yep, that’s what Gene Roddenberry did. He believed in world peace, racial and gender integration, trying to shake off old prejudices to the best of our limited abilities, freedom of religion and non-religion, gay rights, cooperation rather than killing, the Prime Directive of non-interference in viable developing cultures, war as a last and not a first resort, and seeing just how much political and religious commentary he could slip past the censors, who weren’t as bright as the average STAR TREK viewer.

Did he really believe in the cashless society? If a “credit” or a “quatloo” walks like a dollar bill and quacks like a dollar bill… oh, wait, that’s not Roddenberry, that’s Terrell Owens. Never mind.

7) YOU Are The Writer
Remember when I said to listen to your readers? That doesn’t mean you have to always agree with them. When Gene Roddenberry’s vision put him at odds with the majority, he went with his vision. We should all do that. Such judgment calls are what separate the great writers from the merely ordinary. And to pull all that off within the confines of a 1960s TV show is nothing short of extraordinary. You could do far worse than to follow his example.

8 ) Choose Your Battles
That’s what Roddenberry had to do every time he butted heads with TV executives. It’s what I do as an author when I disagree with my editor, and what I expect an author to do when I’m his or her editor. “I’ll say Starfleet pays its officers in credits if you let the white guy kiss the black girl.” Or whatever.

9) Too Many Sequels Can Sour Anything
I shouldn’t end on such a downer, should I? Too bad. But at least Paramount waited for Roddenberry to die before they destroyed what he created.

10) Posterity Matters
How long has it been since Captain Kirk first flexed those biceps and paused in funny places during his speechifying? It’s been over 40 or 45 years since Roddenberry started writing STAR TREK, and we’re still talking about it. That’s what we write for. I don’t want you to love my shit now and forget it tomorrow. A novel is not a damn blog or a tweet. Write something timeless. Something to piss off future generations the way it does your immediately family, something teachers can torture students with, something that just will not fucking die.

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Lazarus by Michael LaRocca – Reviewed by Todd Stone


Lazarus
Reviewed by Todd A. Stone
www.storytellerroad.com

Lazarus is the latest work of fiction by Michael LaRocca, the American expat living in Asia whose blogs and musings on writing for a living, publishing, and subjects many and various have gathered him a loyal, eclectic, and large following.

Lazarus sees the return of Gary Drake, detective we first met a decade earlier in Vigilante Justice. Ten years haven’t been good to Drake–he’s in prison, his family is dead, he is HIV-positive, and when other inmates discover he’s a cop, they beat him to death.

But like the book’s Biblical namesake, Gary Drake returns. “After his death, Gary Drake’s life became more interesting.”

A cynical prison doc makes a last-ditch effort to save Drake’s life by administering an unauthorized injection of a secret, experimental drug code named “Lazarus.” After the injection, Drake’s fatal wounds mysteriously and rapidly heal and his AIDS goes into remission. Drake then awakens from his beating-induced coma with with no memory of the beating or last ten years behind bars.

Taking up Drake’s cause, the prison doc contacts Drake’s old friend and almost love interest, police Captain Marjorie Brooks. Brooks, it seems, has found out about the Lazarus drug the hard way. A cop killer she has in custody should be dead from the bullets her police squad put into him, but instead is fit as a fiddle.

Now Drake and Brooks have to find the source of the Lazarus drug and get and keep it out of the wrong hands. Their quest leads them into the shadowy and very dangerous world of undercover operatives, and Drake once again finds his life on the line, but this time even a wonder drug may not save him.

There’s real excitement and action in Lazarus, as well as fine writing. Lazarus moves, and LaRocca’s “take” on the classic police mystery means Lazarus is one part mystery, one part thriller, and the rest pure engagement. Moreover, LaRocca doesn’t let either Drake or the reader off the hook with a simplistic ending. LaRocca’s work puts some tough questions in front of the reader: is defacto immortality really a good thing when evil doers can live forever as well? What if ten years’ worth of guilt could be lifted from you, but only at the cost of shattering your dreams about someone you loved? Who deserves a second chance, or maybe a third?

Lazarus is an interesting tale from an interesting author. Let’s hope we see more Gary Drake stories from Mike LaRocca soon.

LaRocca’s other works include The Chronicles of a Lost Soul, Vigilante Justice (a police drama and the prequel to Lazarus), Rising From the Ashes, How Red Is My Neck?, Skull Dance, Who Moved My Rice?, and Conundrum.

http://www.lulu.com/browse/search.php?fListingClass=0&fSearch=lazarus&fSubmitSearch=Go&showingSubPanels=&fSort=relevance_desc

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Culture Shock, and how I created the #CultureShock hashtag

On December 8, 1999, I flew from North Carolina to Hong Kong for a short vacation.

In October 2012, I returned to North Carolina with two very lovely family members. My wife, Jan, is from Melbourne, Australia. I met our lovely Calico cat at the Hong Kong SPCA.

(My souvenirs are better than yours…)

Upon our return, I did some random tweeting with the #CultureShock hashtag. From oldest to newest:

I was back in the USA less than 24 hours before I heard somebody threaten to sue somebody. #CultureShock

In China and in Vietnam, I felt very large. In North Carolina, I feel minuscule. #CultureShock

Drinking tap water for the first time in over 12 years. #CultureShock

Today I saw people stopping at red lights. #CultureShock

Today I stopped at a red light. #CultureShock

It’s almost time for my first Halloween of this century. #CultureShock

Tomorrow I will bicycle in Wilmington for the first time ever. #CultureShock

I bought Halloween candy for the first time in this century. #CultureShock #SoAshamed

I haven’t cussed anybody in over a week. #CultureShock

Seeing how much US technology has changed in my 12 years away is similar to what I’d experience if I’d been in prison. #CultureShock

First bicycle ride in Wilmington NC. Nobody beeped, I didn’t cuss, nobody had road rage, and I used hand signals. #CultureShock

Excuse me, but I’ve lived in Asia for 12 years. Are you wearing a #Halloween costume or do you dress like that every day? #CultureShock

Shopping in Wilmington NC #StickerShock Then you guys added sales tax #CultureShock

I heard some Christian Rap for the first time this evening. I really like it, and I’m not even a Christian. #CultureShock

Facebook isn’t blocked by the federal government here. #CultureShock (but maybe it should be…)

I told the lady at WalMart that I didn’t need bags because I had the big backpack. So she put my stuff in bags & I thought “just like Asia.” #CultureShock

I can watch NFL football live for the first time in many years. #CultureShock

I’ve been told several times this week “Have a nice day, ma’am.” #CultureShock #MustBeTheHair

Did Joe Buck really refer to the San Francisco QB as Howie Smith? #CultureShock #ICanEditThat

Tony Dungy looks like a Vulcan. #CultureShock

To sell used books to the used bookstore in this town, make an appointment and wait at least three weeks. #CultureShock

You haven’t lived until you’ve heard, on the radio, Amazing Grace played on an accordion. #CultureShock

Got my first library card in over 12 years and checked out a book. #CultureShock

I can still see Starsky and Hutch by plugging in the rabbit ears? #DidIReallyLeave? #CultureShock

After Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, I saw @1capplegate on a sitcom. Again, #DidIReallyLeave? #CultureShock

I have alcohol and power tools. I must be back in North Carolina. #CultureShock or maybe not.

After over 11 years together, I finally took my cat for her first walk on a leash. #CultureShock

Today I used a bank’s drive-through window in Wilmington NC on my bicycle. #CultureShock #WilmingtonRocks

Effectively immediately, Chopstix in Wilmington NC will change its name to “The Angry Chinaman.” (No? Well, they should. Very abusive.) #CultureShock or maybe not.

At Chopstix in Wilmington NC, the customer is always wrong. Plus, as a bonus, they don’t have any chopsticks. #CultureShock or maybe not.

Michelangelo’s in Wilmington NC has a pizza called The Godfather. Its diameter is longer than my arm. #CultureShock

It is not illegal to talk on a cellphone while driving a car so long as you’re over 18. #CultureShock #NC #USA

The NC Driver’s Handbook says bicycles must ride in the traffic flow, but I’m the only one doing it. #CultureShock or maybe not.

We live in a city without HP Sauce. #CultureShock

We live in a city without Vegemite. #CultureShock

When I left the US, I filled my gas tank for $10 or less. #CultureShock

I ate in a restaurant in the US for my first time in this century, & if I hadn’t seen someone else tip I’d have forgotten it. #CultureShock

I just saw a guy buy Reese’s Cups with a debit card. #CultureShock

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Stupid Ways To Die

How Did Francis Bacon Die?

Francis Bacon was one of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. He was a statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist. He did not write anything attributed to Shakespeare. He died stuffing snow into a chicken.

One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Did Tycho Brahe Die?

Tycho Brahe was an important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground-breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity. He died because he didn’t get to the bathroom in time.

In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition, but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Did Aeschylus Die?

Aeschylus was a Greek playwright around 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies. He died because an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head.

According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempted to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus’ head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

How would you break the news to his widow? No pun intended.

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Writers Write About Writing

A writer’s job is to tell the truth. (Andy Rooney)

Anyone can write, but that doesn’t mean they should. (Stephen King)

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff. (Adlai Stevenson)

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. (T.S. Eliot)

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. (Scott Adams)

Nothing stinks like a pile of unpublished writing. (Sylvia Plath)

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. (George Orwell)

There’s no such thing as writer’s block. That was invented by people in California who couldn’t write. (Terry Pratchett)

I try to leave out the parts that people skip. (Elmore Leonard)

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters. (Frank Lloyd Wright)

I can’t understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. (Fred Allen)

Writers have a rare power not given to anyone else; we can bore people long after we are dead. (Sinclair Lewis)

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. (Flannery O’Connor)

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The Novelist Who Wouldn’t Die

For over 10 years, VIGILANTE JUSTICE outsold anything and everything I wrote after it. So naturally some readers wanted a sequel. But you did see how I ended VIGILANTE JUSTICE, right? Gary Drake was in prison for three counts of attempted murder. He was guilty. His entire family was dead – father, mother, wife, brother. He had one friend, a lady, who he’d kicked to the curb. Oh yeah, and he had AIDS.

Write a sequel to that. I dare you.

LAZARUS is that sequel. Gary Drake is still in prison, he still has AIDS, and I kill him in the first sentence. Then I bring him back to life and write a story about him.

Nice one.

I recently published a review here in this blog that does an excellent job of reminding me why I wrote the novel. Every time I read the book, I enjoy the heck out of it, but then time passes and I kinda forget. So thanks, Todd.

LAZARUS is perfectly readable as a tight plot-driven medical thriller about chopping off limbs and having them regenerate, like the classic SILENT RAGE, with a good background in actual science. By far the tightest, most consistent, and easiest to follow plot of my writing career. Not predictable, but very credible.

But LAZARUS is also about regrets, second chances, complex ethical and moral dilemmas, and the resolution of my “I always wanted to write a book about amnesia” thing. Also, this is how someone who’d been away from the US for quite a while was able to keep the setting there. Most of it happens in prison.

Mocha Memoirs has just issued a brand-new edition, which I love just holding in my hands and flipping through the pages. But I suggest you actually read it. You can get both the paperback and the ebook at http://www.lulu.com/browse/search.php?fListingClass=0&fSearch=lazarus&fSubmitSearch=Go&showingSubPanels=&fSort=relevance_des.

============================================================

CONUNDRUM was published last year, and it’s why I talk about VIGILANTE JUSTICE’s commercial dominance in the past tense. CONUNDRUM’s my so-called science fiction, which Darrell Bain claims is better than Douglas Adams. I love CONUNDRUM, and it’s definitely out there where the buses don’t run.

ENIGMA is the sequel to CONUNDRUM. Barry Drake, Adam Weinberg, and the crew are back. However, ENIGMA’s humor is so restrained that you might be shocked. What, you thought I could me more outrageous than the original? Get real.

I’ve just finished working with Double Dragon on editing the galley of ENIGMA. It’ll be published in August of this year. And, quite simply, it is my finest novel. Like LAZARUS, I’ll devour the entire manuscript in a single reading and enjoy it tremendously.

With CONUNDRUM, part of me feels that all the bullshit helps hide the fact that it is, in the end, a bit of a philosophical treatise. ENIGMA shares the philosophy, but mostly it’s about the characters. ENIGMA blows me away and makes me say, “Did I really write that?” I did.

One thing that came from this recent round of edits is that I was amazed by how smoothly it flows. Writing it was painful, challenging, full of starts and stops, and at times agonizing. Going back to basics, hitting up fellow bloggers for advice, and finally lobbing in a plot grenade. As I read each section, I can remember what went into it, but you as the reader will never suspect. It is friggin sweet. This is why I write.

============================================================

WHO MOVED MY RICE? started as a newsletter, became a badly-conceived bit of fluff for Books Unbound, and went away for a while. I now have ten years of Asia stories, spanning at least five countries, in a 75-chapter draft that I’m ready to turn into a decent manuscript.

Self-editing has always been my favorite part of the whole process, but this manuscript was kinda tough. Previously published, critically acclaimed, EPPIE finalist, edited by someone at the now defunct Books Unbound, and there were spots that I just plain didn’t like. So I fixed them. It’s all good now.

WHO MOVED MY RICE? is gonna be a book, y’all. Sounds like something for next year unless the Earth blows up first.

============================================================

SANDLOT is the other draft on my computer. If you and I have ever discussed beta readership, it was for that book. My football novel. And you see that it’s at the bottom of this blog post, right?

SANDLOT was a whole lot of fun to write. But at the same time, 2/3 of the way through it, I changed my mind about some early plot points. Thus it’s not internally consistent, and fixing it is more like grunt work than what I usually think of as self-editing fun. I’ll get around to it. It will be very fun to write and to read, not all deep and heavy like much of my fiction.

CONUNDRUM was science fiction for people who don’t like science fiction. Is SANDLOT a sports book for people who don’t like sports? I doubt it. Give me a year or so and I’ll get back to you on that.

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Twitter’s Greatest Hits

I’d rather be censored than ignored. Y’all need to take offense at my books, okay? Thanks.

If we elect a Mormon as president, how many First Ladies do we get?

It would be pretty cool if moral bankruptcy showed up on credit scores.

Just because http://MichaelEdits.com has moved to Confederate Drive doesn’t mean I won’t work for Yankees too.

Whitney Houston walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve spirits in here.”

If you can’t laugh at yourself, that’s okay because the rest of us are doing it for you.

Say no to NaNoWriMo. There’s enough shitty writing in the world already.

Being a cat means never having to say you’re sorry.

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.

I have an amazing ability. I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

What kind of wood doesn’t float? Natalie Wood. No idea why she’s trending right now, but I don’t really need an excuse to be offensive.

I’ve never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

I watched a rerun of Daniel Boone last night, and learned that Fess Parker dressed to the left.

Don’t trust people who do acupuncture. They’re back stabbers.

Husband: I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear. Wife: Kitchen, bathroom, living room.

Women don’t want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice.

I won’t get a SmartPhone because I’d resent the competition.

Whoever started that rumour that Justin Bieber is dead must be sick. Why would someone get our hopes up like that?

If you’ve read CONUNDRUM, in the movie I’d give the Weinberg role to Stephen Fry. It’d end with Hugh Laurie doing a cameo as me. The Fry and Laurie reunion.

I danced like nobody was watching. Somebody was watching. Now there are court dates involved.

If mankind has free will, then why do I still wet the bed?

No matter how bad the appetizers are in a German restaurant, remember that the wurst is yet to come.

Kim Jong is dead? I didn’t even know he was Il.

Trying to look interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

I was editing a medical paper and I typed the phrase “human embryonic stem sale.” Um, just in time for Christmas?

Therapy helps but tweeting obscenities is faster and cheaper.

Nanotechnology… because little things mean a lot.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

I hate when a younger person calls me “sir.” Like last week, this young doctor says to me, “You’ve only got one week to live, sir.”

#MovieLineFirstDrafts In space, no one can hear you fart.

Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider, so I went to the pet shop & they were $70. “Sod that,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”

The good old days are often a combination of a bad memory and a good imagination.

He who tweets goes everywhere. (The Buddha)

Ask your doctor if being insane is right for you.

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

When I saw the seven foods that health experts will not eat, I thought it was my grocery list.

If I write about the King of Thailand and nobody reads it, is it still lese majeste?

Why would I endorse someone I don’t even know? What are people thinking when they ask me to do that?

I have alcohol and power tools. I must be back in North Carolina.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Sometimes it’s fun to shout “Hey, asshole!” just to see who turns around.

I just read about someone who bought a deodorant stick and after using it could hardly walk. Well, it did say “Remove cap & push up bottom.”

If watching the #SuperBowl on a big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at K-Mart.

Since I was raised in a Baptist family, it goes without saying that the only time I’m not repenting is when I’m backsliding.

People who eat too many prunes get a good run for their money.

#ConfusingThingsGirlsDo is trending. The most confusing I can think of is that they put up with our shit.

#ResumeBlunders I want to work in a fast paste environment.

Life ain’t easy for a boy named Suh.

My name is Suh. How do you do? Now you gonna die.

Some things are just really hard to hear. Especially if the people at the next table are whispering.

Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I’ll eat next.

I saw a zombie looking for brains this morning. He walked right past me.

The #SuperBowl isn’t quite on a neutral field this evening.

At the #SuperBowl it takes a village to flip a coin.

#SuperBowlSalsa will now begin trending. Be glad Victor Cruz doesn’t know how to Shag.

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Don’t Expect Inspiration From These Quotations

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Clarence Darrow)

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. (B.F. Skinner)

The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion. (Thomas Paine)

The First Amendment is to protect unpopular speech simply because popular speech doesn’t need to be protected. (Jesse Ventura)

Children are our future. Unless we stop them now. (Homer Simpson)

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. (Zig Ziglar)

To like an individual because he’s black is just as insulting as to dislike him because he isn’t white. (e. e. cummings)

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. (Winston Churchill)

We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do. (Ethel Barrett)

You can’t change the wind but you can adjust the direction of your sails. (Jonathan Swift)

It is never too late to become what you might have been. (George Eliot)

Most religions are designed to trick us into doing the things we’d do anyway if we used our heads. (Andy Rooney)

It’s not God’s job to make the world a better place. It’s yours. (Sara Robinson)

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. (R. A. Dickson)

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The problem with asking me questions is that I answer them

Q: How long does it take to write a book?
A: That depends on how good you make it.

Q: Where can I learn more about your writing?
A: Why would you want to?

Q: What’s the hardest thing about catching an editor’s eye?
A: Getting someone to throw it to you.

Q: How can I stop people from stealing my ideas?
A: Don’t worry, nobody wants them. Ideas are the easy part. You can do that in a day. Writing takes months. Maybe years. There are no new ideas.

Q: Where do you get your ideas from?
A: I steal them. Got a book for me to edit?

Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: They don’t have time.

Q: Did your mother have any children that lived?
A: Nope. Did yours?

Q: Why don’t senators use bookmarks?
A: They just bend over the page.

Q: Why don’t Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: They don’t have any attachments.

Q: How much do you have to pay to get published?
A: Freeze! Time for me to stop joking. Please, please, please don’t pay to get published. Readers pay publishers and publishers pay authors. Don’t believe anyone who tells you different.

Q: What’s the worst part about seeing five lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
A: A Cadillac seats six.

Q: Why can’t a pony sing?
A: Because it’s a little horse.

Q: What do you call an author without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
A: Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.

Q: What do you do if you find a black mamba in the toilet?
A: Wait until it’s finished.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: Where can I learn more about your writing?
A: What are you, an idiot?

Q: How many years do you have to write before you can quit your “day job”?
A: 42.

Q: Who’s your agent?
A: Huh?

Q: Who’s your publicist?
A: Huh?

Q: Who’s your editor?
A: Huh?

Q: What’s the difference between an editor and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s an editor.

Q: What’s the difference between a golf ball and a woman’s G spot?
A: A man will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What does a Ziploc bag have in common with a walrus?
A: They’re both looking for a tight seal.

Q: What’s does it mean when they fly the U.S. flag at half mast at the post office?
A: They’re hiring.

Q: Why do you have this blog?
A: Nobody knows.

Q: How much do you pay your web designer?
A: Look at the place. Would you pay someone to write this crap?

Q: Why do you publish this drivel?
A: Why does a dog lick his balls?

Q: Were you born that ugly or did you have to work at it?
A: It takes both to excel to this degree.

Q: What’s the difference between a PhD in English and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why did you start writing?
A: Why not?

Q: When did you start writing?
A: When I discovered I couldn’t lick my balls.

Q: Where can I learn more about your writing?
A: Are you still here? Oh, okay. http://www.editormichael.com/?page_id=463 but you’ll hate yourself in the morning.

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I Love Bookstores

Flying bicycle in a bookstore

Pardon me, but where can I find Michael LaRocca's books?

When Elephants Swim
Driving With My Eyes Closed
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Exaggerations went up, like, a million percent last year

Let’s pretend you live in Vietnam. Let’s also pretend you own a car. Who do you honk the horn at?

Well, you honk at everyone who’s in your way, and everyone who you think is in your way, and everyone who you are passing, and everyone who you think is trying to pass you. Honk at every intersection because there’s probably a bunch of people around the corner who can’t see you. They might not even be looking. In fact, they probably aren’t looking. Beep beep!

Beep at every bicycle in case the driver can’t see you. Beep at every pedestrian, most definitely, because they’re not looking at anything except their feet as they float out in front of you, or the text messages they’re sending on their cell phones.

Beep at the other motor vehicles, too. “I’m comin thru, buddy!”

Red light? Beep at that and keep on driving.

Every car, bus, and motorcycle does this. All the time. The roads become a constant cacophony of car horns. Everybody tunes out the noise in order to function, so the horns are pointless because nobody’s listening. But honking is a habit the Vietnamese driver can’t break. It’s like breathing.

Okay, now here comes a legitimate reason to honk the horn. Maybe some fool is walking right in front of your fast-moving car. What do you do? Swerve or hit him, I suppose, because he’s ignoring the beep beep beep of the horny horn horns.

I offer this little tale for authors who wonder why I prefer understatement. Superlatives are your car horns. Save them until you actually need them.

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Michael writes punk rock songs

I wrote a punk rock song in the early 80s. Here are some lyrics:

Vote for me you idiots
I’ll do just what you say
I’ll give you everything you want
You can have it all your way

Since it was about Reagan, it included other lyrics I’ve forgotten, like “I won’t end college scholarships,” “I won’t cut off your food stamps,” and “I won’t put flowers on Nazi graves.” Basically, all the promises he broke and all the things he did that pissed me off. Writing punk rock and being pissed off go together. The chorus, meanwhile, was

Can’t you see
You should vote for me?
I go to church
And I don’t have VD

See? It rhymes. Okay, now everybody sing…

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GOP Debate Expectations

On their Facebook page, The Atlantic asks if we can summarize our expectations for tonight’s GOP debate in a single sentence. As usual, they add, bonus points for a haiku.

Well, I’ve just written the first four haikus of my career, and one of them even rhymes. And since I never blog anymore, here they are. Enjoy

Romney or Gingrich?
Nobody will change their mind.
Why bother at all?

Debates are a distraction
Worlds of dissatisfaction
It is time for action

I want you to croon
“I am so in love with you”
Sandman Sims is here

Santorum, Romney,
Gingrich, and Paul. Guess what, y’all?
We need Chuck Barris.

Join the fun at http://www.facebook.com/TheAtlantic/posts/267424243302984 especially since there are no “Dislike” buttons on my posts.

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The Blasphemer


The Blasphemer is the story of a writer named Abraham Khan. When he releases an e-book condemning radical Islam, the consequences hit him fast and hard — an armed fanatic smashes into his home one evening, trying to kill him. He survives the harrowing attempt. Just barely. But will he survive the next one?

Maya Raines is the security operator brought in to protect Abraham. She is tough and committed. The very best at what she does. Always one step ahead of the threat.

But Abraham is no ordinary principal — he will not hide, and he will not stay silent. And as rage explodes on the streets and the nation is propelled to the brink, Maya will have to ask herself the hardest question of all: how far would you go to protect one man’s right to speak?

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Even A Blind Watchmaker Can Find A Nut

by Keith Spillett

Vladimir: So….you take a watch and you put it in a bag….

Estragon: What type of bag?

Vladimir: It doesn’t matter.

Estragon: Well, what type of watch is it?

Vladimir: Again…not important. You put the watch in a bag. Now, you take a hammer and you smash it.

Estragon: Wait…What?

Vladimir: Just see if you can follow me here. You smash the watch into a hundred pieces….

Estragon: Is it a digital watch or a nice one?

Vladimir: It doesn’t matter….You take the watch and you smash it into….

Estragon: Well, why are you smashing the watch?

Vladimir: Okay, that’s really not important! The important thing is…

Estragon: What kind of lunatic would break a perfectly good watch?

Vladimir: It’s a metaphor. Nobody is really breaking a watch with a hammer. The idea is to prove a point.

Estragon: But how can you prove a point using an example that is completely unrealistic.

Vladimir: I don’t know. It’s not important! Just listen.

Estragon: Well, if it is a digital watch with one of those plastic bands it’s not going to break with a hammer

Vladimir: Fine. It’s a Rolex. A really nice gold Rolex.

Estragon: A Rolex is really expensive. Why would you want to break an expensive watch? And I don’t know if a hammer will break a Rolex into a hundred pieces.

Vladimir: Fine. It is an inexpensive magical watch that magically will break into a hundred pieces. Can I get back to my point?

Estragon: Sure.

Vladimir: Okay, so you break the watch. You shake it up in the bag?

Estragon: Uh-huh.

Vladimir: Does it re-form into the same watch?

Estragon: Well, of course not!

Vladimir: SEE!!!!!

Estragon: See what? I’m not sure I follow.

Vladimir: Evolution is impossible.

Estragon: Wait…What?!?!?

Vladimir: Something has to be there to assemble the watch if it’s going to come back together, right?

Estragon: I guess.

Vladimir: And the watch has been reassembled into a perfect whole, right?

Estragon: That is what you said.

Vladimir: Well, then there has to be a watchmaker who has a plan, right?

Estragon: Uhmmm. Okay. So, who is the watchmaker?

Vladimir: GOD!

Estragon: Wait….WHAT?!?!?!

Vladimir: God is the watchmaker! Otherwise the watch would still be in pieces.

Estragon: Wait…so God reassembled the watch?

Vladimir: YES!

Estragon: Why?

Vladimir: What do you mean why? He’s God. He doesn’t need a good reason.

Estragon: So, God just goes around putting broken watches together? We’re not sure why. That’s just what he does.

Vladimir: Exactly. He loves us. Maybe he wants us to have a nice watch. Maybe he wants us to be happy. That’s for Him to know.

Estragon: If he wanted us to be happy, why didn’t he just stop us from breaking the watch in the first place?

Vladimir: Free will!

Estragon: So, wait, he loves us so much he is willing to fix the watch, but he won’t stop us from breaking it?

Vladimir: Exactly!

Estragon: That’s not a very efficient system.

Vladimir: Well, He doesn’t have to be efficient. He’s God. He doesn’t have to explain anything.

Estragon: Well, if he’s going to go around smashing watches, I think he owes somebody an explanation. That’s pretty rude. If he smashed my watch I’d be really angry!

Vladimir: Okay…forget the watch. We’ll use another example. Pick something.

Estragon: A piece of ham

Vladimir: So, you put a piece of ham in a bag…

Estragon: Ham….in a bag?

Vladimir: Yes! And you smash it into a million pieces.

Estragon: Uh-huh.

Vladimir: It still tastes like ham and smells like ham and looks like ham. RIGHT?!?!?

Estragon: Yes…I think.

Vladimir: So there has to be some kind of ham designer, right?

Estragon: Yes…well….maybe…I guess….

Vladimir: Evolution couldn’t have designed ham.

Estragon: Wait…why not?

Vladimir: Because it is perfect.

Estragon: What is perfect?

Vladimir: Ham! Ham is perfect!

Estragon: Compared to what?

Vladimir: To a universe without ham.

Estragon: How can you tell?

Vladimir: God wouldn’t have created it if it weren’t perfect. Ham is in our universe. Therefore, ham is perfect.

Estragon: Okay, now I’m really confused. If God is perfect and created a world that is the most perfect possible world for us, why does he create people who smash ham and watches in bags?

Vladimir: To test us.

Estragon: Why?

Vladimir: To see how much we love him.

Estragon: Oh…so we show him we love him by not smashing things in bags?

Vladimir: Yes!

Estragon: I see. So that’s the point of the whole thing!

Vladimir: YES! That’s the point. We have the choice whether to smash ham or watches or even possums in bags. If we choose not to, we do it because we love God. And if we do that we will be rewarded.

Estragon: With a nice watch?

Vladimir: Maybe with a watch. Maybe with eternal happiness. We’re not exactly sure. We just know that the reward is going to be REALLY good.

Estragon: And if we smash things in bags?

Vladimir: Then bad things happen to us. REALLY bad things. Things like sickness or eternal suffering or boils on our face.

Estragon: Boils on our face?!?!?!

Vladimir: It won’t be a problem for you if you just do what you are supposed to.

Estragon: So these are the rules?

Vladimir: Yes.

Estragon: And if I follow them, I’ll be…………happy???

Vladimir: Unless God has another plan for you. But eventually you’ll be happy. At some point.

Estragon: Will I get a watch?

Vladimir: If that is what you desire and that is God’s plan and you follow the rules then, yes, you will get a watch.

(At this exact moment, a giant meteor hits the earth obliterating smashing it into a million pieces. The entire human race, including Estragon and Vladimir, are destroyed in a fiery, horrible instant without warning.)

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Tweeting about Tim Tebow @TimTebow #TimTebow

The miracle that is Tim Tebow — Is it Divine Intervention or Prevent Defense? #YouMakeTheCall

Uh oh, one tweet about Tim Tebow and I lost five followers. Thy will be done.

Ah, I’ve lost 8 more followers. #TebowMania lives.

Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.

I’m still waiting for Tim Tebow to turn the water into Coors Light.

I’m just waiting to hear that Tim Tebow owns a dog fighting ring.

Lots of people unfollowing me. Is it because I’ve given up 30 years of atheism for Tim Tebow?

Since Tim Tebow lost in the playoffs, can I be an atheist again?

2012 in Blogging
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No Edit For You!
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2012 in Blogging

I have written my first ever guest blog post for somebody else.

Would you like to know how John Ling won this dubious honor? He asked.

Wanna know why I’m writing a guest post for someone else when I probably haven’t written anything new on my own blog in about two months? Well, I wouldn’t mind knowing the answer to that one myself.

I would like to thank all my new subscribers and my new readers. I’ve been working LinkedIn and I’ve seen some serious traffic spikes. So thanks.

Back in October 2011, we moved from Hanoi to North Carolina. I’m from here. Jan’s from Australia. Our lovely little Calico cat, Picasso, is from Hong Kong. If you visit Twitter and look for the #CultureShock hashtags, you’ll see me having fun. Nobody replied and perhaps nobody even read, making it just like my blog and my novels.

I began by learning how to walk around Wilmington after twelve years away. A week later, I asked Ressie to take me to the DMV to get myself a license, and he threw in free use of a car. Yay Ressie!

Then we moved to a better motel, and then we found a place to live, and then we learned that people without Social Security numbers are apparently meant to remain homeless. But guess what? Jan had one that we didn’t even know about. Problem solved.

I’ve also bought a bicycle from Goodwill, and a used car with a low odometer reading and great mileage. I’ve done some job hunting and learned that wow, y’all are right, the market sucks right now. All my regular editing customers are coming off vacation now, so it’s probably a good thing I didn’t find something.

In China, in Thailand, and in Hanoi, I never let bad weather keep me off my bicycle. But I own a car now. I’ll drive in the rain. But it doesn’t happen much. I bicycle most of the time, which keeps the roads safer for everybody.

Wilmington has a good bus system. It didn’t have that when I left. I’ve got to learn to use it more. I guess that means learn patience, since it’s probably slower than bicycling. I rode buses in China, y’all.

Wilmington, North Carolina, is the safest place I’ve ever ridden. Excellent scenery and weather, too.

I still love reading, and we have libraries. Parks and beaches I haven’t visited yet. Family members I’ve looked up and others that I will. Culture shock at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. New Year’s Day fireworks are so much quieter here than in China.

Been hooked on watching the NFL. Didn’t ave that in China or Vietnam. That’s the only TV I watch, though. I’d rather read. Remember my weird pick? Patriots over 49ers, game over before Madonna’s halftime show. Sorry, Tebow fans. I made the pick before New York had beaten Dallas, a win that surprised nobody.

I have two books of my own to edit, by the way. WHO MOVED MY RICE? is about my travels in China, Thailand, Malaysia, Laos, and Vietnam. SANDLOT is a novel about this guy who lives in China for 12 years, then moves to North Carolina and gets culture shocked, then starts up a football team. Beta readers, I’ll get SANDLOT to you some time this year.

The big news in my writing career, incidentally, is that Mocha Memoirs Press is releasing a new and improved edition of LAZARUS. It’s the sequel to VIGILANTE JUSTICE. Gary Drake is back, y’all.

Thanks to everybody who bought CONUNDRUM, which is the sequel to LAZARUS. The sequel to CONUNDRUM is ENIGMA, and I’ll work with my editor at Double Dragon on that later this year. Barry Drake is back, y’all. So is someone else you may remember.

Picasso’s loving it here. The Year of the Dragon begins later this month, and Picasso was born in the Year of the Dragon, so if you know your Chinese Zodiac, you know her age. (It’s 12.) She’s changed from a lazy senior to an active senior. She still misses gecko hunting, but the bay window is lovely. We went out on the leash a few times before the weather turned cold, but she didn’t walk very much. Her first time on a leash, by the way. She’s always been an indoor cat. I just felt like giving it a shot.

Jan’s happy here too, but if you want more details on that, wait for her to post something on her own blog. Or better yet, the Welcome Wilmington group on Facebook.

I’m not resolving to blog daily or weekly or even monthly, by the way. I blog like I write books. When I have something to say, I write. When I don’t have anything to say, I shut up. Enjoy the silence.

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Posted in Random Ranting and Raving | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Interview With A Publisher – Booktrope

Just when you thought I’d retired from the interviewing business, here’s a fascinating chat with Kenneth Shear of Booktrope. Let’s get started.

ML: What types of books does Booktrope publish?

KS: We publish a wide range of books, fiction and non-fiction. We’re trying to create a new model for publishing that will work for a variety of different types of books. You can see a list of what we’ve published so far on our website for authors and creative teams, http://www.booktropepublishing.com/booktrope-publishing/books/.

ML: Your business model is a little different from the others I’ve interviewed. Why don’t you just explain exactly what formats you publish books in, how long they stay in print, and whatever else strikes you as relevant?

KS: First let me say, our idea of how publishing should work is quite a bit different from traditional views. We now have a website that pretty much lays out our model, www.booktropepublishing.com That’s the best place to go for a summary of what we’re up to.

We publish printed versions of books (paperbacks so far, but we could do hardback for the right books), as well as ebooks in a variety of formats (for the Kindle, Nook and iTunes stores, as well as other platforms).

We’re new so we haven’t had any book go out of print yet. In our model, there’s not much cost to keeping the book in print. One thing that really troubles us about traditional publishing is that authors are often tied into publishers pretty much irrevocably unless the book goes out of print. An author signs the contract and then it’s pretty much out of the author’s control what happens to the book from then on.

Maybe this was justifiable in the world of traditional publishing where the publisher did print runs of thousands of books and invested large amounts of money in the process. But today, where ebooks are outselling printed, and where online sales of printed books exceed independent bookstore sales, there’s an opportunity to produce books at low overhead. So, there’s not much justification for the publishing contract to be irrevocable.

Booktrope recognizes this by having a limited term on our contracts, usually 5 years, at which time the author can decide whether to continue with us or not. We ask for 5 years because we do put some resources into the book and we think it’s a fair time period for most books. We really think, if the author isn’t happy with what we’re doing for them as a publisher after giving our process a fair chance to work, they should be free to look elsewhere. As bookstores disappear, online marketing becomes ever more important, and in our approach, the author has a big role in that. So if the author isn’t happy, it’s not good for us anyway.

Okay, one other big difference from a traditional publishing model: we put books that we’ve published, and books from other publishers, on our website, www.booktrope.com. We have a great video that Neil Gaiman has kindly allowed us to put on the site, which explains why free copies are a good idea; there’s more about this on the website at http://www.booktropepublishing.com/faqs/.

ML: Do you accept submissions from authors, from agents, or from both?

KS: We’ve had a great response to our new publishing model, and we have lots of books in the pipeline. So we can’t accept unsolicited submissions right now. We do still accept referred submissions (i.e. ones coming from a trusted source such as a Booktrope author), as well as submissions in person when we attend conferences or workshops.

We are working on a new intake process where there will be a site for submitting manuscripts and for authors, editors, designers and marketing people to sign up and find the projects and teams they want to work on. When this is in place we will become much more open about submissions, so keep an eye on our website for the announcement.

ML: I want to stress, as I do in every interview, that authors do not pay publishers. Readers pay publishers. Publishers pay authors. But let’s get the other “money questions” out of the way. What can an author expect in the way of royalties?

KS: We agree. Authors do not pay for publication in our system. And, we’re very transparent about our royalties. We take the revenue from the book and divide it between Booktrope and the creative team members. An author typically receives about 35% of the revenue (wholesale price less print cost or ebook download charge). This usually translates to something like 20-25% of the retail cost, but it depends on book pricing structure. An unusual part of our payment structure is that the creative team on a book can adjust the allocation of revenue. There are examples of how we allocate revenues at http://www.booktropepublishing.com/teams/financials/.

ML: What editing process can an author expect from Booktrope?

KS: In the Booktrope system, the editing process is part of our Team Publishing structure – the author and editor are a team who divide royalties (along with other creative team members). We do not assign an editor to a manuscript; rather, we have created a framework for editors and authors to work together. Editors only work on manuscripts that they choose and believe in, since their compensation, like the author’s, depends on sales. Similarly, authors only work with editors they select or approve, as well. Booktrope’s role is to connect team members, to assist with the workflow and to manage the financial side of the process.

Also, we want to acknowledge the role of the editor in the creative process. It might be on the title page or the copyright page, depending on what the editor’s contribution is.

This is a big difference between the Booktrope model and traditional publishing, where the author is assigned an editor who is paid in advance and usually has no stake in the book’s success. It’s also a major way we differ from indie publishing (aka self-publishing) where the author often has to find an editor on his or her own, and then pay the editor up front. We don’t look at the creative process that way – we think it should be a collaboration and our goal is to provide a framework to foster that.

ML: What is your procedure for producing cover art for your authors?

KS: Again this is part of the team publishing model. The creative team usually includes a cover designer who often is added after the author and editor have finished the manuscript. But it’s a flexible system. For example, we occasionally reissue out of print books, sometimes with a new introduction, so there may be no need for an editor. In that case, the author usually receives a larger part of the revenue, but there’s still a designer.

With the books we’ve published so far for you, Michael, we were at an early stage in putting together the team publishing model. So we were more hands on in connecting you with a designer, but he’s also paid by a part of the book revenue. As the model has evolved, there’s more room for a variety of designers and it works very much the same as the author – editor process.

ML: I know I’m thrilled with the two covers you’ve created for me thus far, and I expect to love the third one as well. Speaking as an author, I know it can be tempting to think, “I got it published. My work is done here.” Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work that way. Just because a book is published does not mean it will automatically have readers. What does Booktrope do in regard to getting its authors’ manuscripts to book reviewers?

KS: We have a role on the creative team called a book marketing manager, which is a crucial part of our publishing model. The book marketing manager’s job is to work with the author to promote and market the book. This includes getting out review copies and other publicity for the book. But reviews are only a small part of what’s needed to sell books in today’s world. In a world where more copies sell on Amazon than all the indie bookstores combined, marketing is becoming crucial, so the book marketing manager starts by developing a marketing plan for the book. This can include reviews, sending sample copies to opinion makers of various kinds, connecting with organizations that might be interested in the book based on its subject matter, finding advertising opportunities that connect with readers, and a variety of other steps. And, in many cases, it involves working with the author to develop his or her online presence, which can be a huge factor in attracting readers to book.

ML: What other methods of promotion do you pursue?

KS: As I mentioned, the book marketing manager is part of the creative team that produces the book. In our view, a book that’s published but not marketed is not complete as a product. Connecting with readers is a crucial part of the creative process. Our model is to encourage and support creative teams to produce and market books. As with editing and design, Booktrope itself does not provide marketing services. We do provide support and guidance overseen by Katherine Sears, our head of marketing. We work hard to connect book marketing managers to books, but it ultimately depends on whether a marketing person believes in the book strongly enough to work for a share of the revenue.

Where a book does have a book marketing manager, he or she works closely with the author to promote the book itself through online interviews, author presence in book groups and the like. Also we encourage book marketing managers to work with authors to make use of social media that can be very effective in fostering interest in the books.

ML: Do you do anything regarding educating authors on promoting their own work?

KS: Ultimately, we’d like most teams to include a book marketing manager, and as we move forward, it will become less likely for a book to be published by Booktrope unless it’s attracted a book marketing manager first. That said, we believe in flexibility, so should an author prefer to act as their own book marketing manager, or we are unable to attract one to a project we are committed to, we are open to that arrangement. In which case, the author would be trained, mentored and supported in their marketing efforts in the same way any other book marketing manager would be. We have training materials, and in fact, Katherine is in the process of writing a book on book marketing that will serve as the primary platform to train our teams in marketing.

ML: I’ve often said that “writing is a calling but publishing is a business.” That’s my way of reminding my fellow creators that our dreams are lovely but they aren’t enough. But you’re a publisher, and I believe your vision for Booktrope isn’t simply “let’s all get rich.” What is your vision?

KS: Well, as publishers we’re trying to build a new kind of business, with light overhead, so more of the revenue goes to creative teams. The way we look at it, there’s a gigantic challenge for publishers today in how to connect books to readers. It used to be, even a few years ago, the most important thing to connect books with readers was distribution, getting the books into bookstores, but now the bookstores are fast disappearing. It used to be there were reviewers in newspapers and magazines who played a large role in helping readers find books worth reading. But newspapers and magazines are playing a smaller role. So, even if you publish really excellent books, it’s still a challenge to connect them to a readership. If you want your book to be read widely, marketing is becoming ever more important.

So, one of our basic ideas is that marketing – connecting books to readers – is a crucial part of the creative process. Most publishers would put marketing on the business side of things and handle it through the marketing department. We look at it differently. A book is just an object if there aren’t readers for it. Its life depends upon being read. When you look at it that way, marketing and promotion of the book – in the sense of connecting the book to readers – is not secondary at all. So, we put the role of book marketing manager into the creative team, and the book manager in our system gets a bigger share of the revenue than anyone other than the author.

Technology has also transformed publishing very quickly in the past few years. Even five years ago, or less, the only way to distribute books effectively was to do a print run and send them to the bookstores. Today, print on demand services can print a book the very day it’s ordered; if you buy on the Internet, you really can’t tell a print on demand book from a pre-printed one. Some bookstores now have Espresso Book Machines that allow printout right there on the spot. This dramatically reduces the amount of set up charge overhead for producing books. With ebooks, of course, there’s no such thing as pre-printing. Where bookstores used to get about 50% of the retail price, on line book sellers typically charge 30%. It means that books are going to become less expensive, and also that more of the revenue can be distributed to the creative team.

Our vision is to extend these trends by stripping publishing down to essentials, eliminating most of the overhead, and allocating more of the revenue to creative teams. We want to create a publishing organization that’s more nimble and less tradition bound, so that we can adjust to the changes that have already taken place in the publishing world and the new challenges that are coming. We also see it as a great business opportunity, because the book business is not going back to what it used to be, but many of the biggest players are inflexible and entrenched. So we’re building an organization to take advantage of the new opportunities that are opening up.

ML: How did you prepare for this career?

KS: I have done several startups in the information retrieval world. I’ve had very good friends in the publishing world who’ve given me a great inside look at what’s going on in the book business. From my point of view it’s pretty important that I haven’t spent years in the publishing business, because I think it’s a business ready for a whole new approach.

ML: What do you love about it?

KS: I have met some wonderful people in the brief period of time since we set up Booktrope. Katherine Sears, our head of marketing, has given me a completely new perspective on what that’s about. You know, people sometimes think of marketing to consumers as manipulative and worse. But Katherine has this wonderful focus on marketing as promoting connectedness. I think the book business is one of the best environments for this type of marketing which I regard as a real art. And I’ve gotten to know some amazing creative people, authors, editors and designers. Every day I get to help these creative people connect with each other and with readers.

Plus, there’s the excitement of developing a new model for an old business, and as more people get involved, I can see it taking a life of its own. I started it with ideas about how to reinvent publishing, and of course most of those were pretty much wrong. The mantra of Internet business is “make mistakes quickly” or even “fail fast”– you try an experiment, learn more about how it works in this new environment, change things, and do it again. If it’s working, other people start to get involved, and you get more and better ideas, if you’re open to them. Few things more exciting than that, if you ask me.

ML: What are its challenges?

KS: Well, this is a difficult environment to sell books. We see book prices declining due to the availability of so many great free books and inexpensive ones. All publishers face these economic issues. There are any number of challenges in putting together a new version of an old business. We make mistakes and it’s embarrassing. A big mistake can set us back. When you’re working online, technology can do funny things. For example, Google changed its algorithm for search results not long ago, so if you’re looking for Internet traffic you have to adjust. As a small business we have to find ways to get things done without much money. Yes, it can be a challenge!

ML: What makes Booktrope special? What makes it different from other publishers?

KS: Well, I’ve tried to give an impression of how we’re different in earlier answers. We’re lower overhead and less centralized than traditional publishers. We’re broader than niche publishers. We’re more supportive of authors than self-publishing (and without charging for it). We are far more transparent to the creative teams on everything from compensation to sales – why wouldn’t we want you to know how your books are selling? We focus on marketing rather than bookstore distribution. We’re more flexible, hopefully, than most publishers. We’re trying to build a new model, mistake by mistake, that can take advantage of the new environment that technology has created to make publishing more open and more rewarding for readers, authors and creative teams.

ML: Thanks for a great interview, Ken.

In case any of y’all want to visit the Booktrope website but don’t want to go to all the trouble of scrolling up to find the URL, it’s right here.

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Baby You Can Drive My Car

Whatever your situation, hiring an independent editor shouldn’t be like taking your car to a mechanic (i.e., you go away for two hours and when you come back your car is fixed). You’ll get the most out of your experience if you treat it as a learning opportunity–a chance to hone and improve your own editing skills. Self-editing is an essential part of the writer’s craft. If you’re really serious about a writing career, it’s something you need to master.

I stole that from http://www.sfwa.org/for-authors/writer-beware/editors/ and put it on my website years ago. With attribution.

Well, I just read the entire website, and I suggest you do the same. It’s called Independent Editors and Manuscript Assessment Services, and it is just loaded with valuable information.

Baby you can drive my car
Too bad it’s a Yugo
Beep beep beep beep yeah

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What Else Are You Looking For On My Blog?

mike larocca death
You wish.

michael larocca heroin
I can see why you’d think that, but no.

publishing my shitty novel
I know you ain’t talking about me, because you said “novel” and not “novels”

People stole my chopstick
Did they really? Now you can hear the sound of one chopstick eating.

skull written by fuk
If you say so.

haw to write adeligation letter
When you find out, let me know.

chuck wendig butcher for spare parts
Yeah, I’ve heard that about him.

people that have money and would rather have beer
Beer is for people who can’t find moonshine.

a plublished intervuew
Speaking of beer…

Where to park car at us embassy Kuala Lumpur
In the street!

Publishamerica+published authors
Ha ha ha ha ha

stand united show u give a damn
Nah, I can’t be bothered.

Teach China Shaoxing
Go ahead. I did, but I take pills for that.

attempting to give a damn
Fail.

if it ain’t football, it ain’t right
You got that right.

How to change planes at Bangkok international airport
Very badly.

Give a fuck
I don’t. Haven’t you been listening?

Fuck you Random House
That’s harsh, son. Fuck you Vantage Press, sure, but not Random House.

How Publish America is trying to fuck you
Every which way it can. Without lube.

michaels nudist
Excuse me while I bleach my eyeballs.

nudist literature
You only want to read the articles.

cake bible sports
You’re in the wrong neighborhood now.

scrooge cake
I might need to find out what that means.

Advice from editors to writers
Yes!

Siamese cats
No!

Laos
Yes!

Lady boy Pattaya
No!

I like publish America
Keep searching for that.

“Publish America” “bad experience”
So I’ve heard.

Publish America royalties not being paid
I’ve decided to leave Publish America alone, because anybody reading this blog knows better. But since I’ve never heard of this unpaid royalty thing, I mention it now. Someone did land here looking into it, so I’m not making anything up.

Movieland Rambo
I have no punch line. I just like this phrase. I’d never used the word “movieland” in a sentence before this here post right here. The hero of all time is coming back to kick many ass.

Rambo nife
That’s not a nife. This is a nife.

How to make a living as a novelist
You’re joking, right? I would say “sell out,” but nobody knows who to sell out to, or what they’re buying. Ah, the novelist’s life. At least pants are optional.

Can novelists be rich?
Sure they can. Just not from the royalties on their novels.

How does Charlie Weaver blow smoke out his ears?
I wouldn’t mind knowing how to do that.

Gain weight
I do that quite well, thank you very much.

Lunar ring
It’s a prediction from CONUNDRUM and ENIGMA that I’m just gonna repeat until it comes true.

Conumdrum science fiction
Do I mock the typo or hype my book? I’m so confused.

A novel called conundrum
You probably think I’m making these up to hype my novel, don’t you?

Litter is not cool
Damn right. Give a hoot, don’t pollute.

I have moved my office to my bed
I don’t want to know what your job is.

Stuffing snow into a chicken
You’re a weirdo, but not weird enough to get censored here. Hmm.

Greastest tweets
Greastest spelling errors

From home editor
Another advertising opportunity that I swear I’m not making up. You can get the book from Amazon in paperback or Kindle.

Who you are
I don’t believe the Internet can tell you that.

Telepathically anti discrimination automatically bet you can’t guess what that is.
You win. I can’t.

Thailand no arms one leg
This sounds like a joke too crude for me to publish. One I’d laugh at, though. I still laugh at dead baby jokes.

Going back to hometown rich
I seriously doubt the Internet will help you with that. Nor will writing novels.

Publishers who publish my memoirs and send money in India
I have a publisher in India who does exactly that, but that doesn’t explain why someone’s looking for it or why the query landed them here.

“He wears her shoe”
I bet he feels liberated by it too.

9th street windows bars Picassos
It only takes one bar to make a prison.

What happen to United Electronic Institute in Tampa FL?
I’m glad you asked that. When I was a student there, 1981 through 1983, they mixed brilliant teachers, excellent textbooks, and plenty of lab work with exams so easy that nobody failed. Learning was possible but optional. When I returned in 1988, they’d modernized everything and priced themselves right out of the market. They’re gone now, but I’ve still got my degree, and a surprisingly high percentage of those skills.

How to write adress on scientific paper
Start by spelling it correctly. We’ll “adress” more problems tomorrow.

Engineers treat me like shit
Oh, did you graduate from United Electronics Institute too?

Commodore computers&modems
I love them.

Mike LaRocca Forest Park
I suppose that’s better than Michael LaRocca Forrest Gump

Why does Estragon insist on one of them should try hanging himself?
WTF?

Scum megacity
I’ve rarely mentioned scum and I don’t recall ever mentioning megacity. Is this a computer game? Why are you reading my blog? Are you in Tampa, Florida?

What is the strangest thing you ever seen
A monk with a strimmer? A shy Indian? My face first thing in the morning?

Do mental hospitals keep sane people?
I’ve never met a sane person and I’ve never been to a mental hospital — are you shocked? — so maybe they do.

Why is Thailand godless?
It isn’t. It’s still animist, it still pretends to be Buddhist, and don’t forget He Who Must Be Obeyed or you’ll get arrested. I wonder if he farts.

Why do writers use conundrums
Birth control.

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